Sponge bath it is.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
