if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
