I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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