My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
