When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
