youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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