my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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