Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
