Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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