dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
