When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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