Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
