after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
