Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
