After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
