Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
