i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
