If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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