ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Someone came in the potted fern
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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