ya dads aren't the best wingmen
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
This is the high leading the old right now
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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