I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
