Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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