Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
