I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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