Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
