watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
It was confusing and full of hummus
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
