you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
