i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
