dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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