I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
