shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
