So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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