Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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