If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
nutella sex= disaster
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
