It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize