The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
