false alarm. still invincible.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
