just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
