Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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