Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
