So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
