tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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