First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
