i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
