I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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