I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
