Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
