I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
