woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
