dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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